so that's what i was...

a control freak. a CONTROL FREAK!!! oh my... yeah previously i mentioned i realised i was a bit too controlling, too restricting on the freedom of some of my sheep, and more so towards you. just now, through a talk with one of my very close sisters, i realised, i was simply a control freak!! i was so much more controlling than i'd thought i was!! i... i was just shocked at that revelation! i.. became scared of myself! how could i have become like this!?!? i've become a monster!?

yeah i do love you a lot, but how did i become a control freak to such a extent, and without even a slight realisation of it?? the restrictions i imposed on you in the name of good, in the name of love, that has gone over the line.. oh man.. so much for love gone wrong. i despise myself!!

i just hope it is not too late to make amendments. i hope the hurt that i've caused, can be healed. who can i blame but myself? no wonder you don't trust me, and don't confide in me anymore. if it was me, i'd be turned off too. i'll shut myself from me too. sorry i didn't put myself in your shoes and considered how you'd feel. i was just too obsessed with wanting to protect you. i'm terribly sorry. i've been too selfish. i'm so worried that you might make mistakes or get hurt that i tried to control your life just to make myself less worried. i've been thinking only for myself, yet i thought i was doing it for your good. my intentions may have been good, but i know the ways i did things were wrong. i'll change. i'll pray that God will give me the wisdom to know how to be a big brother to you, to guide you, not to control your life. i need to deal with myself. there is more to deal with in myself that i'd thought..

i pray in Jesus' name for the control freak in me to go away!! i cast out the control freak from me in Jesus' name!! never shall you cause any more harm or hurt to anyone in the name of love! that is not what love is. Lord Father, fill me with Your love, to know how to love others in the right ways. forgive me for doing things so selfishly. Lord change me, so that i can love others better. Renew me, Father. In Jesus' name i pray. Amen.

well.. at this point of time, probably you don't understand all that i've been saying, don't understand how i feel. you are, still young, afterall. i just hope that one day, you'll understand. all that i did for you, how much you mean to me, i pray that one day, you'll understand. i hope that day won't be too far..

现在心里又平息了

最近这几天，心情起伏真是很大。很久没有这样了。也不记得以前有没有这样过。哈哈。想通了一些事情，所以觉得心里平静多了。意识到自己做得不好，过去太管制别人，包括你。真是对不起。我决定要改过。我一定要改过。为了你，为了大家，为了我自己。我会加油的！

希望明天不会又想太多负面的事，不会再陷入低落的情绪里面。感谢赞美主！

很辛苦...

哇，为什么我要想这样多？觉悟了一些事，让我好难受。原来，可能你不信任我。甚至，你好象怕我。为什么呢？为何有时你好象很排斥我，不知道如何面对我？也许你永远都不能够了解我的心情，因为我自己也不明白为何会如此在乎你。这种爱不是男女之间的爱。友情的爱？亲情的爱？我不是很清楚，但我很清楚不是男女之爱。

我想是我把你管得太紧，让你觉得没有自由，所以你不愿和我分享你的事。我好像什么都要管，只因为我太关心你了。我得学习放手，让你有你自己的自由空间。对不起。因为我的太在意，让你受了伤。要放手，真的很难，但我必须学习，因为唯有这样你才会比较开心吧。也也许这样才不会让你这样怕我，不懂得如何面对我，不与我分享你的心情、你的问题。希望我有一天能够得到你完全的信任。希望那天不会太遥远。

so.. it's really about trust...

wow it's my third post in.. duno how many hours. i guess a lot is going through my mind now... here's my thoughts now..

trust. what does it really take to gain someone's trust? i don't really know anymore. after all the time i've spent, i really thought i've gained the trust, but now i know, i haven't. though i truly care about you, all the things i do is all for your good, you probably don't see why you should trust me totally. well, quite sad at this realisation, but.. oh well.. i have to accept it. i just hope and pray, one day, you'll understand, just like what Zhuguo ge said to me. this love i had for you, for others too, i never understood why. Zhuguo ge says it's like the love between David and Jonathan.

"I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother; you were very dear to me. Your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women." - 2 Samuel 1:26

the difference is that, the love between David and Jonathan, it's shared, and how beautiful such a love they shared. i wonder if we can share the love David and Jonathan did. i wonder if i'll find my David(i'm also named Jonathan, by the way).

God, i pray, that You'll bring David into my life. sorry i'm greedy, but i pray for many Davids. but then again, i don't know if i can endure the torment to go through the process to find even one David in my life. Lord i just pray, You'll take charge, of all my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts. just do what You deem best for me, like You've always done, and for me to follow in Your path. Thank You Father, in Jesus' name i pray. Amen.

how to help the teenagers to grow?

well just now while i was taking my shower, i was thinking how to help the teenagers, or even anyone, to grow, to change, to mature. it seems the things i've done, isn't helping them very much. in my cell, i'd think that Sunmei is pretty mature, and it would seem to me that she is more mature than her average peers too. so i asked myself, what is it that made her more mature? the first thought that came to my mind was that, it's her grounding in the Word of God. it's her desire to want to know God more. it's the relationship with God.

i was reminded of one of the testimonies Pastor shared during the sermon today, that how regularly reading the Bible and praying changes people. i'm reminded of the testimonies by Pastor Zhang and his wife, of how praying changes people.

many times we are reminded that we need to focus on God, but yet we still fail to remember that. we fail to do it. all the activities, the events, we forget to involve God in the things we do. of course for new friends, activities and events are important too, but most importantly, we don't forget the existing sheep that we have. i guess i've failed in bringing my sheep before God. i didn't pray together with them enough, to read the Bible together with them enough. i didn't do enough to bring them back to the presense of God, and let God minister to them, to help them grow, to mature in their thinking. sorry, but i think the teenagers have a lot to learn, and much to mature in their thinking. i really don't know how to help them change their mindset, or their way of thinking. i think only God can do that. so let's let God do it. i just need to bring them before God. maybe just regularly praying together with them, reading the Bible together with them, will be good enough...

God, i pray that all these that You've impressed upon my heart now, i will remember it, and put it to action. remind me that i am nothing. i am capable of nothing, but You can accomplish all things! Lord, just use me as a vessel to bring them to You. may everything i do, is to bring people back to You, before You. no matter are they new friends, or Christians. for new friends, i just want to bring them to know You. for Christians, i just want to bring them before You, so You can minister to them, and for them to know You more, to desire You more. Lord Father, impress this deeply into my heart, my soul, that in everything i do, i do it with this in mind. i thank You Father, for listening to my prayers. i pray this, in Jesus' precious name. Amen!

Thank You Father

I'm glad most of the problems are over. at least, the biggest problem is over. and i'm really glad to know that there are many brothers and sisters who are concerned for me, especially Lingling, Huihui, Janet jie, Shuifeng jie. your words and prayers helped me a great deal. i hope after this incident, things get better, relationships strengthened, wisdom gained.

there're still some matters that i'm still worried about la, but i wanna learn to trust God that everything is in His control, and that everything happens for a good purpose. these few days, i also realised that maybe i don't understand teenagers very much, or even at all. well, it seems they don't understand me also. i pray for wisdom to be able to communicate effectively with these teenagers. i really do care about them very much, but when they have problems, they don't tell me. am i really that scary? i just want to know what's going through in your lives, and if there's any problems you all face, i wanna do my best to help, or give advice, or for you all to learn something. i don't know what does it take to gain your trust, or anything for that matter, for you all to open up and share your feelings, problems, or anything with me. perhaps i do need to spend more time with you all. sorry that for the past months, i'm unable to commit more time for you all. studies, ministry, and other stuff take up my time that i simply is unable to give more time to you all. i hope after my exams, i can spend more time with you all, build on the relationship, and get to know you all better, and know how to communicate with you all better.

i really hope there'll be a day when you all will be willing to share your problems and feelings with me. i hope for the day to come soon where you all can put your trust in me. maybe i'm not ready now too, to share your problems. perhaps i'm not wise enough. i pray that when the day comes, i'll be ready, and know how to help you all through your tough times. well, even if that day doesn't come, i just pray that all of you will grow mature enough to handle your own problems, that you all will entrust yourselves fully to God, cause He will guide your paths.

oh Lord, strengthen my faith to know that even when they don't share their problems with me, You are there to help them. Help me to trust that You will send someone to help them. I pray that i'll know how to be a good servant in Your kingdom. May You bless all the people around me, especially the sheep You entrusted in my care. I love them, just as how You love them too Lord. I'm willing to give my life for them, as Jesus You did for me, and for them. May You use me to be a blessing to others. Thank You Father, for loving me and never deserting me. All these i pray, in Jesus' mighty name. Amen!

心很伤，很痛。太伤，太痛

oh Lord, i can't even sleep properly now. i close my eyes and i dream of the problems i'm facing. i wake up in the middle of my sleep so fearful, i can't go back to sleep. Please, do not forsake me Father. Please, don't ever leave my side.. I need You..

Lord Father...

strengthen me. it's through my weaknesses that You make me strong, so please, strengthen me now. i feel so vulnerable now, Lord. embrace me in Your arms, with Your love. Holy Spirit, fill me, empower me to go through all these problems i am facing. i feel like everything i'm doing is wrong. i feel as though all the decisions i've made are wrong. i don't understand, Father. i don't understand how things came to be like this. all i've wanted is to protect Your sheep. all i've wanted to for the lost to come to know You. in the end i failed. it seems i've put Your sheep in worse situations, and i don't know how to salvage the situation anymore.

i'm so afraid, Father, that the sheep You entrusted to me, have gone lost. i'm worried, so so so worried about them, but yet they don't understand. i don't know what to do anymore, Father. i feel like i cannot cope anymore with all of this. it is so hard to be a good leader. so so hard. when i'm feeling depressed i cannot reveal it, because it'll affect the people around me. i don't want my emotions to get in the way of my projects, my cell, the people around me. i try to be happy around them, but deep inside, my heart is crying. heal me Father. heal me of the negative emotions that is welling inside of me.

i know all of this i'm going through is your refining process, Father. i know i have to go through all of this, but i'm wavering. i cannot stand still anymore. i need You. i desperately need You, Father. please guide me Lord. there's so many things, cell, youth camp, FYP, projects, studies, relationship problems, it's too much for me. i'm breaking down under all the stress, especially the stress from relationship problems. please tell me what should i do for cell. please give me words on how to comfort Your people. please grant me wisdom on how to manage my time, how to resolve all the relational issues. please provide for all the needs that i have, all the needs of youth camp. please put the spirit of diligence in me to work through all my projects, assignments, studies and FYP. please bring me through all these Father. i know You've never left me, but reaffirm me with Your love and presense so i can regain the strength i need from You.

Please help me Father. Draw me closer to You. Father i thank You for putting brothers and sisters around me to comfort me when i am down. i know it is through them that You are comforting me. i pray You'll speak to me in my dreams Father. speak to me through visions, through my thoughts, through the people around me, through books, through Your Word. reaffirm me that all this is under Your control, that everything will be fine. i know You are in control, but won't You just reaffirm me a little, that yes, everything will be ok? thank You Father.

All these i pray, in Jesus' mighty and sovereign name. Amen.

a moving testimony

i once watched a video of this guy, and it's a touching real-life story. cuixian jie sent me this link to this video, and i'd like to share with all of you.

something learnt.. the hard way

something learnt today, but in an way that i wouldn't have wanted. learning it the hard way, but what's worst is that some got upset because i handled things badly.

making decisions isn't easy by itself, and having to make decisions for others, that's worse. but as seniors, as leaders, sometimes we have to make decisions that will affect others, and these decisions are so difficult to make, cos it doesn't just affect myself, but others too. perhaps sometimes it's not exactly making decisions for others, but when others ask you for approval of something, the decision to approve or disapprove, indirectly, is making the decision for them. it's harder when it's a decision that others didn't want, having to stand firm to my decision. it doesn't feel good to see others getting upset over the decisions i have made, but yet i have to, because i sincerely believe that it is for the best of the situation, within the limits of my knowledge and wisdom. sure, i may make wrong decisions, and that hurts, but i'm learning to try to make the right ones, and if i do make a mistake, i learn from it, telling and reminding myself never to commit it again.

today i realised, just making the decisions itself isn't enough. how can i expect others to accept my decision if they don't understand why i am making that decision? i should have learnt this a long time ago. i've made this mistake of not explaining my decisions too many times, upsetting the people affected by my decisions, but yet each time i fail to realise that it is because i failed to explain myself. perhaps that's why sometimes i may be seen as unreasonable. but that was never my intentions. i'm sorry, if i've made you, anyone out there, upset over my decisions, and failing to explain the rationale behind my decision. i sincerely apologise for my mistake. but now, there's someone i must apologise to...

小妹，对不起。

i knew from the start this was going to be hard...

i knew from the start, it wasn't going to be easy. oh Lord, would you just give me the strength to go on.. being a leader is so hard.. so so hard.. but i know i cannot give up... i must persevere on... making decisions and standing firm by the decision, it takes so much. i never knew it would be so hard in the past. but i thank You, Lord, for giving me this opportunity to learn. i know You have something for me to learn from all these struggles, and i treasure every struggle i go through, to be moulded more like You.

as a leader, sometimes i want people to follow some instructions. it can be simple instructions, but people may not want to follow them. they want to do things their way. maybe they don't really understand my stand, and maybe i don't really understand their viewpoint too, but when people don't do what you ask them to, it's really disheartening and disappointing. it's straightforward if they did something wrong, but the tough part is when they want to do their best, and sometimes this is not what i want of them. they can do so much, do great things, but that is not what i want of them. i just want them to follow some simple instructions i have for them. it really hurts when they don't. i was quite sad and disheartened, but what really made me sad was that God showed me that's just how we treat Him too.

sometimes, God just wants us to follow some of His simple instructions.. sometimes, we want to do too much, but God just wants us to rest. this is just an example. we can think everything we're doing is all for Him, but it doesn't please Him at all, cause all He wants is for us to rest and take a break. it's such a simple instruction, just stop what you're doing and rest. but yet we tell ourselves, no we cannot rest! it's out of our love for God, but that's not what He wants. and when we don't follow His words, though it may be out of our love for Him, it breaks His heart.

Thank You, Lord, for reminding me through this, that it's not what we do that pleases You, but doing what you tell us to, that pleases You. God, i pray that You'd show me what you want me to do, and that i may just do exactly what You tell me to. not a bit more, not a bit less. just exactly what you tell me to. yes Lord, i just want to do what you want me to. i just want to do the things that truly pleases You. i pray these in Jesus' name, Amen.

are my expectations too high..?

haiz.. these few days quite disappointing. some of the tasks i've given others, am i asking too much in return? have i set my standards and expectations too high of them? why do i feel like i still have to do the things myself in the end? or is there something wrong with me? or did i not convey my standards clearly to them? but to me, these are the normal standards!! i'm not asking more than that!

i'm seriously quite disappointed la. haiz.. too high expectations? but if they cannot even meet these standards, i might as well just do it myself...

this is my story... part 3

continued from "this is my story... part 2"...

yeah, so for some reason, the boy didn't go COS anymore. cannot remember was it because he changed church. well, i don't think so la, but cannot remember the reason. well, let's continue with the story...

one fine afternoon, while the boy was walking to the bedok mrt from the interchange, or was it walking from mrt to interchange?? oh nvm, ya so when he was walking, a guy approached him and asked if he could help to fill out a survey. the boy, being such a nice person, didn't turn him down. it turns out the guy was trying to do street evangelism, and he was from City Harvest Church. yeah so the boy filled the survey, and told the guy that he's a Christian too. a few days later, the guy called the boy to invite him to City Harvest, and the boy agreed.

so the boy went to City Harvest, and stayed there for a while. the culture and environment was pretty different. it was a very big congregation, and the worship was very dynamic, then to be boy, a little like some concert la. well, he's still a little boy who didn't really know what was going on. haha.. however, the culture did influence him very much. he became very enthusiastic about inviting his classmates to attend the services at CHC. he would take out his class contact list every friday night and start calling all his classmates. yeah.. i think all.. if not, at least 95% of them. he called them every week. yeah, that's how irritating persistent he was. there were a few other Christians in the class, and eventually a couple agreed to go together. cannot remember if they accepted Christ or not la. but but, there was another who went with the boy. that fella wasn't so popular in the class la, so maybe that's why he went when the boy invited him so many times. haha.. and praise the Lord, he accepted Christ!! whee~~ yeah so the two of them went service and cell together for some time.

the boy was very very enthu and on fire in inviting friends and in tithing. that time CHC was raising funds to build its own church building, and the boy pledged $500 to be given in about six months!! wow!! he was only a sec two boy leh!! he must have gone crazy. though that time he was working part-time at macdonalds(why he was working at mac, was for some other reason la, but it will not be revealed here), it was still a great sum of money!! that was the extent how on fire he was for the Lord.

but then, though he was so on fire, he wasn't interested in reading the Bible. i suppose that sorta caused him to backslide. after about five to six months, he kinda grew tired. he was trying to give his best, inviting friends and all, but it seems to be unfruitful. he expected more, but failed to see his expectations met. so he grew tired and drained, and started to get lazy and didn't want to go to church and cell anymore..

*to be continued...*

why do we give?

today's daily bread devotion was on why do we give. it says of people giving to charities not because of altruism, but because there benefits for them, like chances to win a prize or something. the author of the devotional then goes on to say that our giving should be out of pure motives. he quoted matthew 6:3, "When you do a charitable deed, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing." the devotional concluded by saying our generosity should be God-centered, not to make us look good, but to please the Lord. ask ourselves when doing our next good deed: if i knew that no one would ever find out that i did this, would i still do it? of course, God knows all our deeds, and will reward accordingly la.

well it came to my mind it's so often that i too, do things with the intention to please people. me being a peaceful person, always wanting to get along with everyone, you know, the kind of person i am. there're many things we do for the people we love, but we also so often make it known to the person what we did for them. i asked myself the same question before, if nobody knew what i did, will i still do it? yeah i guess sometimes i will, but sometimes, i hope someone finds out. haha.. well, from another perspective, letting the person know what you did for him/her tells that person that you really care and love for him/her la, so it might be a good thing too. my issue is that to the person i like, the things i do for her, should i let her know? haha.. loving someone is to do the things for his/her good, so as long as it's for his/her good, he/she doesn't have to know. but then, i hope she'll find out, then maybe be touched by what i've done, and... you know... lol.

erm.. as i'm typing this, God kinda spoke to my heart. she doesn't have to know. if she needs to know, God will tell her, via various ways la. if she's the one for me, then i need not worry if she knows what i did for her, whether she'll be touched or not. haha..

ok Lord Father, it doesn't matter whether anyone ever knows what i did for them, unless it encourages or benefits them. i know you are in control of everything. you called me to love everyone around me, and so i will. as long as You know the deeds i've done, that'll be sufficient. change me, Lord, that truly this mindset will sink in into my heart. doing it all for You, Lord. In Jesus' name i pray, amen.

this is my story... part 2

continued from "this is my story..."...

it seems that church isn't a very interesting place to the boy then. other than having the chance to see Moses Lim, nothing else interested him. lol. and his parents didn't force him to go church also, so he didn't go church until...

*three years later*

the boy is now a sec two kid in AHS. at the start of the year, for some reason unknown that he himself cannot remember, he started attending Church of Singapore, at marine parade. his bro has already been attending church, at FCBC at the time. cannot remember. since young the boy is told that when filling up those forms, when it comes to the field "Religion", write Christianity. so while growing up and finding his identity, he identified himself as a Christian, though not really knowing what that means. that time his bro had some friends who were Christians also, and they had weekly gatherings in school. brother invited the kid, and i think from there got to know one of the friends, Shu Fang, who went to Church of Singapore. ya i think that's how come the boy went there. the people there are very nice, and think the first time the boy went there to join the youth gathering, got alter call for those who want to invite Jesus into their lives as their Saviour. so the boy eagerly put up his hand, and since then he became a real Christian.

He joined cell and the youth gatherings for a while, but after a few months, stopped going, for reasons i cannot remember. he remembers very clearly, that there was once when there was another new believer, think his name was David(wa, David and Jonathan together wor..). cannot remember. ya, so the two of us and Shu Fang were in a room, then we were just talking, when Shu Fang asked us a question.

"Do you think you will go heaven after you die?"

"Erm.. Don't know leh.." (both of us)

"I tell you, you must have faith that you will go to heaven. You will go to heaven!!"

ya, that memory was etched deeply in the boy's heart. it was only after that he really understood what that meant la. the first lesson about faith. haha. thanks, Shu Fang. the boy remembers another guy called Enoch. think he's the cell leader or something. very nice guy. at that time the boy thought the name was pretty cool, not knowing it's actually the name of a person in the Bible. lol.

that time, the boy's mum attended COS's service also, so they went to church together. how nice. and the boy saw his teacher at the church too. lol. Mrs Mary Chan, his Home Economics teacher. oh oh, then the first time the boy went to the youth gathering, he was given a hand-made welcome card also. it warmed his heart. the card was very nicely made, with the edges of the card burnt to look special. he still keeps the card to this day. yeah... somewhere... he must have kept it la. he always likes to keep such meaningful cards one. it's gotta be somewhere in a box where he keeps all those memorable items. he just has to dig for the box, among the mountains of stuff at home.

yeah, those were the deepest memories of his few months stint at COS...afterwhich...

*to be continued...*

revive the en community forum!!

i'm going to attempt to revive the en community forums. i've posted a couple of replies in a couple of the threads. i'm going to request some changes, and request for administrator access priviledges. i'll try to post whatever i know, and questions that come to my mind there. i'll try to moderate the posts and threads if i have time, provided i'm given administrator rights. hope those who see this will participate actively in the forums. =)

En Community Forums

this is my story...

by popular demand, i shall pen down my story of knowing the one and only God!! if you were a faithful reader of my blog, you'd have noticed that when i say popular demand, that demand = 1 person. lol! see i'm so gd. all my readers are so valued by me, all your requests shall be answered!! wahaha.. ok.. not all. =P

well well, where should i start?? ok here goes... many years ago, on an afternoon at around 1220hrs(i think so, or was it midnight 0020hrs?) at Mt. Elizabeth hospital, by the power of His, a baby boy was born!! that fateful memorable day of 20th June, 1984, a dark, tiny, scrawny crybaby cute, adorable, chubby little baby appeared on the surface of the earth!! the little baby...

*ten years later*

the little baby grew into a smart little boy, who's pretty sickly also. and his mum always prayed for the little boy when he fell sick, putting her hands on the boy while she prayed for his recovery. she liked to tell him of the stories in the Bible, though he could not recall any of it. -_-" ok maybe he wasn't that smart after all. all he could remember was that his mum bought him those comic-like books that illustrated the stories, and he remembered the time when he spent the night at his parent's room watching The Ten Commandments together. so this little boy grew up in a Christian family, but he dreaded going to church. he remembers going to St. Andrew's Cathedral at City Hall with his parents and brother, and seeing Moses Lim. lol. that was the greatest memory of going to church during his younger days. he went to join in the Sunday school with other kids, and after that when he went home, he told his parents he didn't want to go church again. o_O

*to be continued...*

Lightedpixels

i've long decided who to engage as my wedding photographer. i've added a link to his blog. check it out man. he's marvellous!! everytime i see his photos, i get so excited about getting married!! see la, now sudden urge to want to get married again.. though i no gf at the moment. lols.. how long more till my wedding sia.. haha.. gotta save up!! i must have him as my wedding photographer!!! overseas bridal shoot + wedding day + coffee table.. wa, at least also $10K. o_O" but i still want to have him as my wedding photographer!!!

www.lightedpixels.com

Happy Children's Day!

i've forgotten how i celebrated children's day last time. other than the celebration in school, did i even celebrate such occasions at all?

well, quite happy today, that i scored A+ for my online quiz for the symmetry and crystals module!! luckily weiquan was around cos he know how to do some of the calculations. and the few of us all got A+!! hahaha.. praise the Lord!! now duno if i should S/U it or not. hmmm... tough choice eh.. maybe no need to S/U ba.. left one more quiz for the module.. k.. i'll un-S/U it. haha.. hope can do well for the last quiz, then get a B+, and i'll be very happy liao. of course if can get A then all the better. wahahaha...