so that's what i was...

a control freak. a CONTROL FREAK!!! oh my... yeah previously i mentioned i realised i was a bit too controlling, too restricting on the freedom of some of my sheep, and more so towards you. just now, through a talk with one of my very close sisters, i realised, i was simply a control freak!! i was so much more controlling than i'd thought i was!! i... i was just shocked at that revelation! i.. became scared of myself! how could i have become like this!?!? i've become a monster!?

yeah i do love you a lot, but how did i become a control freak to such a extent, and without even a slight realisation of it?? the restrictions i imposed on you in the name of good, in the name of love, that has gone over the line.. oh man.. so much for love gone wrong. i despise myself!!

i just hope it is not too late to make amendments. i hope the hurt that i've caused, can be healed. who can i blame but myself? no wonder you don't trust me, and don't confide in me anymore. if it was me, i'd be turned off too. i'll shut myself from me too. sorry i didn't put myself in your shoes and considered how you'd feel. i was just too obsessed with wanting to protect you. i'm terribly sorry. i've been too selfish. i'm so worried that you might make mistakes or get hurt that i tried to control your life just to make myself less worried. i've been thinking only for myself, yet i thought i was doing it for your good. my intentions may have been good, but i know the ways i did things were wrong. i'll change. i'll pray that God will give me the wisdom to know how to be a big brother to you, to guide you, not to control your life. i need to deal with myself. there is more to deal with in myself that i'd thought..

i pray in Jesus' name for the control freak in me to go away!! i cast out the control freak from me in Jesus' name!! never shall you cause any more harm or hurt to anyone in the name of love! that is not what love is. Lord Father, fill me with Your love, to know how to love others in the right ways. forgive me for doing things so selfishly. Lord change me, so that i can love others better. Renew me, Father. In Jesus' name i pray. Amen.

well.. at this point of time, probably you don't understand all that i've been saying, don't understand how i feel. you are, still young, afterall. i just hope that one day, you'll understand. all that i did for you, how much you mean to me, i pray that one day, you'll understand. i hope that day won't be too far..