jogging is fun

heh.. went jogging today. today's jog was a little different. haha.. location i jogged was different, pace i jogged at was different, and this time i wasn't jogging alone. haha.. well, i enjoyed the slow jog very much. heh. the company sure makes a world of difference eh. lols. hope to go on more of such jogs. hahahaha..

hmm.. spent almost all the time over the weekend in church. attended a training by reverend sarah wu. wow she's really anoited. everytime she comes, i always leave her conference/training feeling renewed, empowered, and.. just different. haha.. this time was just another eye opener as well. i've seen for myself how powerful the name of Jesus is, and this time, i saw how powerful the blood of the Lamb is as well. wow i picked up another super-power spiritual weapon! hahaha..

there's really so much in the spiritual realm going on but most of us are so ignorant of it. just cos we can't see, we think that things aren't happening. through the teachings by rev. sarah, i realised how much our actions can affect us spiritually, and this is so dangerous cos many times we can't see the consequences of our actions against us(cos it's happening spiritually). but then, the affects can be so great and damaging. it's really so important to lead a life led by God's Word and by the Holy Spirit, so that we don't leave weaknesses that the evil one can take advantage of.

May the blood of the Lamb cover and protect us, and the Holy Spirit fill us, and guide us, that we can lead a life as God intended, and pleasing in His eyes, not leaving any footholds for the devil. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen!

i'm.. going to be broke..

man.. i just realised.. i won't be able to really have any savings till like maybe next year.. though i started work already, i have many debts to pay off. the loan i got from my cousin for my university tuition fees, which add up to $11k and my laptop loan of $2.5k. paying off both loans at the rate of bout $500 per month, i'll finish paying off the $11k loan, around Feb 2010. i can finish the laptop loan in 5 months, but due to some reasons which i shall not say here, my salary for April and May most probably will be depleted. so start in June, by Nov i can pay it off. my plan is to save at least $500 per month la. so these five months, can't save lo.

and, i got quite a few things to pay off too. the vocal lessons of $240, the lessons in church, wedding angbaos, this and that, here and there.. wow.. adds up to quite a bit eh.. but thank God, the angbao from government is coming end of this month!! getting $200 for the first giveout. heh. should help me last for a while more. haha.. but i must also scrimp and save le. cannot spend too much money! must save up as much as i can, for future investments, and for my 老婆本*! lols. :X

* i think getting married really needs a lot of money lo.. lol..

back in sg

i'm finally back in sg. wow, after bout almost 10 days away. it's not the longest i've been away la, but.. well, i didn't use to want to come back to sg so eagerly. haha.. so it feels that these 10 days were longer than it really is. lol.

it's quite fun la. ate lots of food. lots of meat. lol. don't know ate how many times of those eat-all-you-can meals. and everytime, eat until soooo full. but it's really nice la the food. my cousin bring me to go the nice places to eat. ya.. so i wonder if i've grown a bit fatter? lols..

thanks to shuilin, michelle, weicong, and of cos my cute little 小妹 that i dote the most on, for coming to welcome me back at the airport. haha.. well.. michelle and my 小妹 seems to think that i really got get a bit fatter. lol. err.. haha.. i don't mind getting a bit more big sized la, but fats? nah.. no thanks. but at taiwan, ate A LOT of those fatty meat! but it's nice la. lol. but i need to exercise now to burn those fats away. i prefer muscle yeah? haha.. yeah.. and to prepare for my IPPT this year too. hmm.. i seriously wonder if i have enough time to train myself up to pass it. hmmm..

well, this trip.. got buy back some stuff la. but not a lot. one thing is, my luggage is not big, so can't put in much stuff. put in my own stuff, not much space is left already. so, if you don't get any present/gift, or anything from me, don't sad hor. but can't really expect me everytime go overseas will buy present for you all ma right? like that, i sure pok one lo. and i'll most probably be flying around quite a lot from now, then everytime buy something for you all, my salary all spent, then i eat what? lols.. ya. so pls understand hor. heeh.. i know you all very understanding de la, right? you all such nice people.. haha.. (must por a bit, make them happy, then they won't come beat me up for not getting them presents) if you want me to get something for you, a good start will be to buy me a bigger luggage bag. LOL.

hmmm.. next trip.. most probably flying off to ShenZhen... not sure when yet.. hmmm... i guess i'm really starting to take aeroplanes more than i take taxis in sg now.. lols..

and after the pain..

i'm happy! wahaha.. wow i change pretty fast eh? my moods. lol. well, i'm so happy to know that i'm forgiven. haahs.. really.. just a word from you can brighten up my day, bring me back to "life". haha..

and thanks for all the brothers and sisters who love me, and showed care and concern for me. and your prayers too. heh.. i'm so blessed.

hmm.. to those who are worried about us.. i know what your concerns are.. i am very concerned too. but i'm glad that though sometimes there are problems, there are things to be happy about too. i feel that i am benefitting from her. i learnt so much from her. and i see her grades improving also.. i'm really doing all i can to bring her before God, and to help her in her studies.. i know what i doing may disappoint you all.. but this is the path we have chosen. we'll make the best out of it. it may not have been the best choice, but.. it is our choice. i won't let it become a choice that we regret. i stake everything i have on it.

still pain.. but..

i really feel miserable. i can go eat lots of good food, but it doesn't make me happy at all, cos deep inside, the wound is still bleeding..

i'm really sorry. i'll watch what i say more. if i'm tired i won't say anything, or i may say the wrong things and hurt you again. though it is a misunderstanding, i know it hurt you really deep. i know i can explain, but the hurt is already done, and probably no amount of explanation will completely heal the wound. i'm sorry. please forgive me..

i was thinking of you the whole day. thank God i still managed to finish what i have to do at work today. i kept praying and praying. though it still hurts, but i know if my life was without you now, it hurts even more.. at first it felt like all my dreams with you were shattered. i keep telling myself it's not. i can still make the dreams come true. the dreams with you.. and i will continue to work hard to make them come true. i'll force myself to accept whatever comes. the day i can't accept anymore, probably will be the day i leave this world. i probably won't have the strength to live on if that day really comes. but i know that day will never come, cos i will never give up. i'll love you so much, you won't have a chance to leave me. how bout that? well.. i'm already loving you with all i have.. and that's just what i'm going to continue to do. love you with all i have, and love God with all i have. He and you, are the only ones i live for now...

Lord Father, despite all the things that happened, I give You praise. I know You are in control of it all. I know these hurt is only temporary. I know what lies in the future, the plan You have for us, is more than we can ever imagine. I know it is Your will for us. May You reign in our lives. We hand over all our problems to you, cos You are the Lord and King of our lives. Without You, we wouldn't even have had anything to begin with. I thank You for what You've given me, and the person You've brought into my life. Truly, through this person, You have given me the dreams i never dared dream of. Through this person, You have given me the joy and happiness i could only dream of. I cherish these that You've given me. I love You, Dad. In Jesus' name. Amen.

pain..

hmm.. since yesterday night, in my mind is pretty dazed.. the thing i find hard to come to terms with.. but in my pain, i felt how much you meant to me. despite the pain, despite that i still cannot come to terms with what you told me, i still love you so much. i never want to let you go.. for what you told me, it seemed that my dream was over. my plans, my dreams for the future, all smashed up.. you told me to be strong. and so i will. i'll pick myself up. i'll be stronger. i have to be there for you, so i can't go down. all the things i promised, i will keep them.

as surely as God lives, i will make good the promises to you. lll.

help...

i.. i feel like i'm in a daze.. i feel that the world is spinning around. i feel giddy.. i.. i don't know what to do.. i'm lost.. it's.. it's too much for me to bear.. i still can't accept it.. it's so painful.. i feel like i've been pierced in my heart.. i can't get it out of my mind.. my mind is in a whirl.. i want to put it away.. i want to think that what you told me, is not going to come between us.. i really want to continue this path with you.. but i'm afraid that what you said, will leave a scar in me, and put a strain on us. i don't want it to be that way.. i want to be strong.. i have to be strong.. i will.. live up to what you say..

Lord.. please.. heal me of the wound in my heart.. i really want to cast all my problems at Your feet.. but there's this part of me that keeps hanging on to it. take away my burdens, my hurt, Jesus.. renew me, to accept everything that You've placed before me..

God.. you win..

God, you're really humourous at times eh.. accepting whatever happens, and be happy. you really testing me out on that one huh.. i meant for her to leave me as in, by death.. and i thought by sharing i'd be able to encourage others, only to be misunderstood.. i must have been too tired while typing, to have written nonsence, to have been misunderstood.. and in that, hurt someone.. and i guess it hurt bad..

but i was hurt too.. bad.. very bad.. like a knife piercing through my heart, really.. you told me something, that was so hard for me to accept.. so so hard. is this Your way of testing me, Lord? Lord, just take control of everything, will You? i will accept it, but it is hard to be happy about it.. please teach me how to.. reign in me, Father.. it's really a lesson so much harder to learn than said.. i can't do it on my own.. i need You...

accept whatever happens, and be happy

while just now was chatting with a sister, i came to talk bout accepting whatever happens and be happy bout it. it's easy to accept something we want to happen, or something that we can easily rejoice over, but are we able to accept something that we don't wish to happen?

i was saying also that in almost everything, we have a choice. the sad thing is, most people don't know that we do have a choice, and freedom is the ability to make that choice. freedom isn't really just doing what you want to do, but making the choice, and the right one on that. i can go deeper on this, but i'm not touching on that in this entry. choice. too many times we blame it on other things when things don't go well. we blame it on our family, our upbringing, our character, our circumstances, etc, but rarely on ourselves. so what if you grew up in a bad environment, your boss mistreats you, blah blah. what are you doing about it? don't look to others, look to yourself. if you think, "aiyah, is like that one la..", do you know that you have made the choice to give up? something bad happens, and you get depressed over it. well you know what? something bad, never happens. to God, it is that way. or at least, i chose to believe it this way, cos God allowed it to happen, He must have intended it for good, cos He is a good God. so everything that happens, is good! we say it is bad, just cos we can't see why it is good, doesn't make it bad. if we can see things from God's perspective, we'd see why it is good. the problem is, majority of us don't know God well enough to be able to see it from His perspective. and maybe, we won't ever understand given the limited brain power we have. here's where faith comes in.

you see, on things that happen, we can see it positively(probably closer to God's perspective) or negatively(what satan wants us to think). imagine a piece of paper. something good happens, is like the piece of paper is filled with white, with some black dots. we can easily see the white. something "bad" happens, is like the paper is filled with black, with white spots. most of us will then see the black part, but here's the deal: you can choose to focus on the white spots than see all the black. i believe that's what God sees in us. the good parts, and accepting the not good parts, and slowly He cleanses us, making the white parts bigger and bigger. on this analogy, i once heard someone say, what if the piece of paper is completely black? my answer to that is, you're really shortsighted to have missed the white spots. you need to work much harder to find the white spots. of course, it's not easy to focus on the white spots. you have to make a conscious choice to do it. likewise, to be positive, to be happy, we have to make a conscious choice on it!

many pple i've seen, say they want to be happy, and they don't want to be depressed, don't want to be emo. the problem is that they only say, but not doing anything bout it. they chose to just leave things as it is. yeah, they chose, without even realizing it. cos to change, takes effort. taking effort is hard work, so subconsciously, they've made a choice not to put in effort. so in wanting things to change for the better, we have to consciously put in the effort, regardless how unwilling we are to do it, as long as we know it is for good. eg, your grades are bad. if you remain the way you are, not changing anything, you grades aren't going to improve, unless you work harder. but working harder isn't fun, so we don't want to do it. but unless we work harder, our grades are not going to change! get what i mean? unless we make the conscious effort to work harder, nothing is going to change, not our grades, not our emotions, not our thoughts.

yeah, so in choices, we can choose to accept "bad" things that happen and believe them for good like God intended. since some time ago, i started to change in the way i pray for others' healing from illnesses. an example:

a couple of weeks back i was praying for a brother in church. he's in NS, in OCS. he's injured, so he can't continue the course. he wants to be an officer very much, and it's not just for himself, but for God too. the usual thing i'd have done in the past, was to pray for his injury to heal, so he can resume his cadet course and eventually be commissioned as an officer. but what if, that is not God's plan? my prayer for him was that, he'd be able to accept whatever outcome it is and be happy, even if in the end it meant that he cannot be an officer. what's most important, is not whether he becomes an officer or not, but whether is he happy. now he wants to be an officer cos that's what makes him happy. so i prayed that even if he can't be an officer, he'll be happy too! no matter what, he'll be happy! is this God's plan? yes i'm very sure! God wants us to be happy! so in this prayer, i know i'm definitely in onto God's plan.

another example:

a sister was diagnosed with lymphoma recently. generally, we'd all be praying that she'll recover, cos if she doesn't, we'll be sad right. how bout this then: no matter what happens, we'll be happy, cos we know God is in control of it all. this way, sure win de ma. haha. we don't know the outcome, but we'll be happy whatever the outcome is. this, is my prayer. i'm glad to know that she's accepted that she has lymphoma, and she has faith that God will heal her. i can sense that she's still happy. that's what truly matters, doesn't it? to be happy!

to everyone out there who's not being happy, snap out of it. you do have a choice to be happy. put in the conscious effort. being happy is part of God's plan for you! if you still choose to remain the way you are, not doing anything to change, nobody can help you. if you still think that the choice is not up to you, then really, nobody can help you le, cos you've already chose to give up. so don't give up, and come join in on God's great plan for you, and be happy! :)

off to work!

tmr i'll be flying off to taiwan, and will be back on the 20th. gone for bout 10 days. well, taiwan isn't a bad place la. hopefully got time to go walk walk around and have some fun. lol. well, it's for business la. heh. hope i can learn as much as i can from this trip too. not really too excited to go la. haha.. i'll miss some stuff here a lot. but oh well, i still have to go whether i like it or not, so i'll make the most out of it. heeh. ya, do keep me in prayers ya? my well being, everything la. haha..

hmm.. watched the bucket list recently. it's a nice show. the ending part, i was pretty touched, and my tears came rolling down. haha.. hey, i got my sentimental part too ok. lol.

*beware! spoilers ahead!*
well, it was this part when Carter(Morgan Freeman) was going to pass away, and his wife got so worried. and when she knew he passed away, she got very upset la. well, i kinda thought of how it felt like to be in her shoes, watching the person you love so much, pass away. yeah, so i thought, if the one i love most were to leave me like that.. yeah.. so i cried la. the thought was just too much to bear... :`(

yah, then after that, was the letter that Carter left for Edward(Jack Nicholson). Carter told him to find his joy in his life. ya, then i kinda thought to myself, have i found the joy in my life? yeah, my answer was yes. i found two joys, in fact. haha.. the first was that i found Jesus! and the second.. heh.. i'm not telling ya. :P

the theory of fire(problem) and fire-fighting(solving problem)

haha.. just now while chatting on msn, somehow, talk bout problems, then i came up with this thing bout fighting fire, which relates to problems. i just came up with it while chatting, and it seems to describe it so nicely, so i thought i'll pen it down here. hahahaha.. wow i'm good eh. lol. goes something like this...

if you started a fire(created a problem), you gotta put it out yourself(solve the problem). there are generally a few ways to put out a fire(different ways to solve a problem). first, use fire extinguisher. well, there are different types of fire extinguishers, if you don't know(akin to different ways to solve problem). the different types of fire extinguishers are used to put out different types of fires, so to put out the fire, you have to use the right one(use the most appropriate way to solve the problem, depending on what kind of problem it is). if the fire gets out of hand, and you're unable to keep it under control or to put it out, you'll need external help, which comes from dialling civil defence(ask for help from others). and of course, civil defence are well equipped and knowledgeable on fighting fires, so they can fight fire better(get someone more mature/wise who can help solve your problem).

yeah, so that's it. not bad la right, considering it just came out within seconds leh, while i was chatting. ahahhaha.. ok i just want to brag that i'm smart. wahahahah.. no la.. joking. :P

well, but i think it does help right. kill two birds with one stone leh. teach how to deal with fire and problems. hahaha.. oh.. just thought of this. in case of fire, can pray for rain to put out the fire(ask for divine help from God!!! meaning, PRAY!).