三心二意

唉，我早该知道会如此。我就知道当我看见她时，一定又会动心的。果然没错。现在又不舍得放手了。真是烦啊！为什么我总是那么三心二意，决定了的事又一直改呢？是我之前没有很好地想过吗？也许吧。或许不该那么快就作决定。需要更多时间去想，去祷告。以后在作决定时，不可以再那么冲动，没有充分地思想过就作决定。现在，真的不知道该怎么办了。对我来说，感情，真的不是要放就能放得下的。痴情，是好还是不好呢？我太痴情了吗？说得难听一点，应该说是固执吧。哈哈……

神啊！求你指教我，指引我的道路，光照我该做什么！救命啊！

哦，今天是滋婷的生日。生日快乐！嘿嘿……

放手咯?

等了那么久，终于等到那一天的到来。那一天等到了，才发现，自己的感情也变了，变得有一点累，一点麻木了。感觉不再那么强烈了。是否应该放手了呢？用只剩下一半的感情去采取主动，不太对吧？不想再拖下去了。就放手吧！等了那么久，最后，也只是一场空？希望，我真的能够放得下……

torn apart

man i'm thinking too much. how come when i have exams, it's so often that my emotional problems arise!? like my 'O's that time also. ughh..

hmm my heart is really torn apart. i don't know what to do. i don't understand how things are like this. how do i manage my current situation? managing relationships are so complex, cos it's not a one-sided thing. it takes two to build a relationship. it all seems to be one-sided from my side now. i wonder if anything'll come out of either. managing one deep relationship is already so hard, can i really take on another? must i really give up one to take up the other? it's so hard to let go. so so so hard for me.

Lord i know You've heard my prayers. i sort of know what You want, but i want to be sure. give me confirmations, Father. perhaps You want me to learn to let go of what is dearest to me, and know that You're in control, like how You tested Abraham's faith when You told him to offer up his son Isaac to You. strengthen my faith, Father. Lord, grant me the peace in You. the matters of my heart, i want to cast them all at Your feet, and leave them all to You. i just want to learn to rejoice in You! Holy Spirit, fill me, and constantly remind me to do all things for You and You alone! seek not anyone's favour, but Yours, Father. i really need You. i really need Your help and guidance. Help me, Father. Thank You. In Jesus' name i pray. Amen.

persevere!!

man it's really hard. so hard trying to let go of something so dear. it's been a long time since i felt like this. a really long time. i just hope this time it won't take as long.. well, circumstances are different. the situation is different, and my relationship with God is stronger now! persevere on!! Aza aza fighting!!!

David and Jonathan

1 Samuel 18

1 After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself. 2 From that day Saul kept David with him and did not let him return to his father's house. 3 And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. 4 Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt.

1 Samuel 20

1 Then David fled from Naioth at Ramah and went to Jonathan and asked, "What have I done? What is my crime? How have I wronged your father, that he is trying to take my life?"
2 "Never!" Jonathan replied. "You are not going to die! Look, my father doesn't do anything, great or small, without confiding in me. Why would he hide this from me? It's not so!"

3 But David took an oath and said, "Your father knows very well that I have found favor in your eyes, and he has said to himself, 'Jonathan must not know this or he will be grieved.' Yet as surely as the LORD lives and as you live, there is only a step between me and death."

4 Jonathan said to David, "Whatever you want me to do, I'll do for you."

5 So David said, "Look, tomorrow is the New Moon festival, and I am supposed to dine with the king; but let me go and hide in the field until the evening of the day after tomorrow. 6 If your father misses me at all, tell him, 'David earnestly asked my permission to hurry to Bethlehem, his hometown, because an annual sacrifice is being made there for his whole clan.' 7 If he says, 'Very well,' then your servant is safe. But if he loses his temper, you can be sure that he is determined to harm me. 8 As for you, show kindness to your servant, for you have brought him into a covenant with you before the LORD. If I am guilty, then kill me yourself! Why hand me over to your father?"

9 "Never!" Jonathan said. "If I had the least inkling that my father was determined to harm you, wouldn't I tell you?"

10 David asked, "Who will tell me if your father answers you harshly?"

11 "Come," Jonathan said, "let's go out into the field." So they went there together.

12 Then Jonathan said to David: "By the LORD, the God of Israel, I will surely sound out my father by this time the day after tomorrow! If he is favorably disposed toward you, will I not send you word and let you know? 13 But if my father is inclined to harm you, may the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if I do not let you know and send you away safely. May the LORD be with you as he has been with my father. 14 But show me unfailing kindness like that of the LORD as long as I live, so that I may not be killed, 15 and do not ever cut off your kindness from my family—not even when the LORD has cut off every one of David's enemies from the face of the earth."

16 So Jonathan made a covenant with the house of David, saying, "May the LORD call David's enemies to account." 17 And Jonathan had David reaffirm his oath out of love for him, because he loved him as he loved himself.

18 Then Jonathan said to David: "Tomorrow is the New Moon festival. You will be missed, because your seat will be empty. 19 The day after tomorrow, toward evening, go to the place where you hid when this trouble began, and wait by the stone Ezel. 20 I will shoot three arrows to the side of it, as though I were shooting at a target. 21 Then I will send a boy and say, 'Go, find the arrows.' If I say to him, 'Look, the arrows are on this side of you; bring them here,' then come, because, as surely as the LORD lives, you are safe; there is no danger. 22 But if I say to the boy, 'Look, the arrows are beyond you,' then you must go, because the LORD has sent you away. 23 And about the matter you and I discussed—remember, the LORD is witness between you and me forever."

24 So David hid in the field, and when the New Moon festival came, the king sat down to eat. 25 He sat in his customary place by the wall, opposite Jonathan, [a] and Abner sat next to Saul, but David's place was empty. 26 Saul said nothing that day, for he thought, "Something must have happened to David to make him ceremonially unclean—surely he is unclean." 27 But the next day, the second day of the month, David's place was empty again. Then Saul said to his son Jonathan, "Why hasn't the son of Jesse come to the meal, either yesterday or today?"

28 Jonathan answered, "David earnestly asked me for permission to go to Bethlehem. 29 He said, 'Let me go, because our family is observing a sacrifice in the town and my brother has ordered me to be there. If I have found favor in your eyes, let me get away to see my brothers.' That is why he has not come to the king's table."

30 Saul's anger flared up at Jonathan and he said to him, "You son of a perverse and rebellious woman! Don't I know that you have sided with the son of Jesse to your own shame and to the shame of the mother who bore you? 31 As long as the son of Jesse lives on this earth, neither you nor your kingdom will be established. Now send and bring him to me, for he must die!"

32 "Why should he be put to death? What has he done?" Jonathan asked his father. 33 But Saul hurled his spear at him to kill him. Then Jonathan knew that his father intended to kill David.

34 Jonathan got up from the table in fierce anger; on that second day of the month he did not eat, because he was grieved at his father's shameful treatment of David.

35 In the morning Jonathan went out to the field for his meeting with David. He had a small boy with him, 36 and he said to the boy, "Run and find the arrows I shoot." As the boy ran, he shot an arrow beyond him. 37 When the boy came to the place where Jonathan's arrow had fallen, Jonathan called out after him, "Isn't the arrow beyond you?" 38 Then he shouted, "Hurry! Go quickly! Don't stop!" The boy picked up the arrow and returned to his master. 39 (The boy knew nothing of all this; only Jonathan and David knew.) 40 Then Jonathan gave his weapons to the boy and said, "Go, carry them back to town."

41 After the boy had gone, David got up from the south side of the stone and bowed down before Jonathan three times, with his face to the ground. Then they kissed each other and wept together—but David wept the most.

42 Jonathan said to David, "Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the LORD, saying, 'The LORD is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever.' " Then David left, and Jonathan went back to the town.

2 Samuel 1:26

26 I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother;
you were very dear to me.
Your love for me was wonderful,
more wonderful than that of women.

How great thy love between David and Jonathan! God, take control of all my relationships. I want all of my relationships to be based upon You, Lord. You are the only One that keeps our relationships with people strong. May my relationships with people be God-honouring. Thank You, for letting me feel a glimpse of how the love between David and Jonathan is like. Is this the David or Jonathan You have placed in my life? For now I think it is, but I just want to hand it all over to You. You are the source of all love! I pray You will make it work out. Thank You Father. I love You the most! In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

thank you everyone

i'm going through a rough patch now, but i'm really glad i have many brothers and sisters who are there for me when i need them. i really feel so blessed. Lingling, Shuiting, brother, Zhuguo ge, Zeming, Sunmei, Aiqing jie, Weiqi, Jinhao, Huihui, Shuifeng jie, Ziting, Weicong, Cuixian jie, Michelle, Janet jie, and many others, including many in my cell.

i'm especially grateful for Lingling. the support she gives helped me very very much. her prayers, her being there for me, listening to me, etc.. the little things, it really helped me a lot. thanks sister. i'm really touched by what you did.

Shuiting, thanks for your encouragements, and the card. i'm really touched. i will work hard for my exams de. thanks for cheering me up.

Sunmei, thanks for listening to my problems and praying for me. you're a great sister to me.

Aiqing jie, thanks for your concern. it touched me when you told me though you're busy, you'll still make time for me.

as for the rest, thanks for the messages, the words of encouragement. it helps me a lot. really, in my times of need, you all have supported me. i'm touched by everything you've done for me. i thank God for bringing you to be there for me, to comfort me, to support me. i'm really thankful that there are really so many brothers and sisters who care for me.

i will jiayou de. For God, for myself, for all of you. i know i can do it, with God. i guess i need time. lots of it, to get through this. i will persevere on. i know i can do it, cos i have all of you supporting me too.

Thank You, Father, for bringing these angels into my life. Thank You very much.

maybe i'm beginning to see why you're my superhero...

man, i'm really getting emotional recently. what's really so bad about it is when it starts affecting the people around me, especially those very close to me. i'm more or less able to get over most of the emotional problems within a couple of days, or just a couple of hours, with a touch from God. what i don't don't don't wish to happen is, my moments of depression affects you, and you get depressed too, and when i'm out of it, you're still depressed. i really hope that doesn't happen. i only want to infect you with joy, not sadness.

i think i'm starting to see why. why you're so important to me. why i think you're my superhero, in Zhuguo ge's words. i now see something in you, clearly, which probably is one of the things which made you my superhero.

and thanks, for trying to comfort me, trying to make me less depressed. i don't know if i'd made you depressed again, over my own depression. one thing you said really touched me. it meant so much to me. you said...

You'll be my David.

好饱! 好饱! 好饱! 好饱!...

woah, had steamboat just now at Dongwei ge's house. soooo full. i ate like.. 5 bowls of rice!?!? lol. at first like very little rice, so Shuifeng jie ask if anyone else want more rice, and if got then she cook more rice. well, apparently i think only Huihui and i wanted more rice la. so there was another pot of rice sort of just for us lo. lol. so i kept eating and eating and eating, until i was damn full la. hahaha.. i think i almost ate a whole pot of rice(erm.. the pot isn't those normal size one la. is smaller size one..i'd be crazy to eat one whole pot of rice of those normal sized ones..) now still feeling pretty full. heh.. really thanks to Dongwei ge and Shuifeng jie for opening up their house for us to have a steamboat. i think it's such a nice thing of them. it's a service to us, you know, serving brothers and sisters in the kingdom of God, and i just feel that their serving us is so beautiful, and even more so as a couple's service to us. how nice right, husband and wife, serving together in the kingdom of God. i hope next time i can serve hand in hand together with my wife too, in the kingdom of God. :)

hmm.. yesterday i wrote a letter to someone very special to me. i spent 1.5 hours writing it lo. haha.. there was so much i wanted to write about, i even had a draft of the things i want to write in the letter. lols. i wrote till 2am lo.. but i just felt that i want to finish writing it, though originally i hadn't planned to give it to the person today. well, in the end i still gave it to the person today la. haha.. it was 3.5 pages long. man, i don't think i ever written anything so long in chinese before lo. duno if the person understands everything i've wrote, about how i feel la. i really hope the person does, even if not now, then sometime in the future. :)

thank God for today. God is good. :D

i worked on my project..

for like 3 full days at least!?!? oh my.. and yesterday, i spent almost like from 11.30am to 12 midnight working on it with my group mates.. 12 MIDNIGHT!!! that's just crazy.. but praise the Lord, at the end of it, i managed to get my part to work. woohoo!! haha.. i do feel good about myself ya. ok though there's still quite a bit to touch up and work on, i guess the main bulk of the work is done. woah, one of the algorithms i had to think about really racked my brains man. i haven't done such deep thinking of how to solve such problems for some time ever since i graduated from JC i think.. haha.. great exercise for the brain eh..

hmmm.. last night while i was sleeping, i had a dream.. quite a bad dream i guess.. in the dream i dreamt of someone very dear to me, and some things happened in the dream, erm.. sort of like what i just went through, and i felt so worried and afraid again. the worry and fear felt so real, i awoke from my sleep, and the fear and worry just all came back to me. i almost felt like breaking down again. i prayed very hard, for God to release me from all this. i guess i was tired too, i fell asleep again, but would awaken soon after from the feelings of fear and worry, and pray again.. till i sleep, and then awaken again... man, how is it so so so so hard for me to let go of something.. i don't wish to be like this. i don't want to be feeling so fearful, so vulnerable, so insecure, not for anything, not even for those i love the most. i believe this is not what God wants for me. i believe all these negativity should not be present in Christian's lives. i guess, i really need a lot more time to get over this.. God, please help me!!