Happy New Year!

hmmm.. Christmas wasn't too bad this year. heeh. presents, yeah got a few presents. got a few books, which are very nice and good books! time to spend more time in reading! books are a source of knowledge!! i want more knowledge!! hahaha.. thanks to everyone who gave me presents! sorry this year i'm very hard up on my wallet, so no presents for you all this year. :X

the Christmas cell party was good i think. given the limited resources and time, i think the committee did a wonderful job!! and thank God for the wonderful turnout as well!! on Christmas day went to Keith's house to eat and play too. hmm.. think it's been some time since i had such fun with the young adults liao. haha.. i really enjoyed myself. i would have stayed all the way if i could! haha..

today's New Year's Eve. having an overnight prayer meeting in church. man.. i'd love to go to Wanyi's house to join my friends to play and have fun lo. so rarely i get to meet them now, and have fun with them. oh well. what to do. being a child of God requires sacrificing my own desires sometimes. it's alright. my reward is in heaven. hee.. Happy New Year everyone!

family

hmm.. the day before, i had a chat with my parents, on an issue i'm currently facing. wow.. i think it's the first time i chatted with my parents like that? haha.. it was good. i should do that more often. chatting with my parents. letting them know what's going on in my life, the problems i'm going through, the things i'm facing now.. it's so nice having a heart to heart talk with those close and dear to me.. i treasure my family very much. and even more so now. i treasure the close ones around me too, those that i care for, and care for me too. thanks for being there for me!

Most importantly, thank You, Father. I know I have such a blessed life, though I may be struggling with some issues now. I pray You'll continue to guide me, strengthen me, grant me stronger faith in You, and to do Your will. Keep me from doing anything that displeases You. Thank You. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen!

ahhh.. sianz.

man, it's really sianz. doing FYP. ugghh.. can't wait for it to be over. if i didn't have to do my FYP now, i'll be attending 郭美江牧师's seminar. went yesterday. hmm.. is alright la. did a lot of 宣告，祷告，and went thru the spirit cleansing procedures. not first time do liao la, but i guess it's still good to do another thorough cleansing. didn't have much 感动 though. guess it came at a good time, cos going through some struggles, think the cleansing will help me tide through the crisis.

haiz.. many things still pretty unsettled. i am trying real hard to seek God's plan, but till now, it seems i still have little inkling to what He is trying to do in my life, or what He has prepared for me. i guess it's really a test of my faith and dependence on Him, cos i feel that He is so far away. i know He isn't. He's always by my side, just that i cannot feel it.. i really need You desperately now, Lord. i'm really lost. i can't seem to do anything well now. i can't concentrate on the things that needs to be done. everything i do seems kinda half-hearted, but i'm trying to get out of it. i know i cannot carry on like this. i have to overcome this. i know God can help me overcome it. i'm learning to totally cast my worries, my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, my fears, my everything, to Jesus.

"For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." - Matthew 11:30

very bad...

youth camp is over.. can't say it's good. very thankful to God for blessing us with generally good weather. other than that, i think i screwed up. many things, i did not make sure that they were well planned, with contingency plans, properly organised. i guess i didn't put in enough effort to ensure that everything was well planned out. during the camp, i failed as a commandant too. yeah i was very stressed and tired, but as the commandant, i can't let that show out, cos it'll affect my committee members and the campers. guess what, one of the new friends commented that i look stressed. bad enough that i wasn't livening up the atmosphere, but no, i worsened things by letting my stress show on my face. alright, i was never good at concealing my feelings and emotions, but as the commandant, that was not acceptable!

i guess i just don't have the knack to be a leader yet. i realised from the camp, i'm not so good at making decisions when unexpected situations arise. and recently, my emotions have really got the better of me.. the campfire was my greatest screw up i guess.. i totally lost it. i was completely drowned in my own depression and stress, and completely failed to do anything during the campfire..

after the camp, i heard that people felt that i and the committee were biased towards one group. i did not. i can answer very clearly on that to God. i never intentionally bias towards any group. neither did my committee. things just happened such a way that gave that false impression that we were bias, but it's not!

i know, and heard people talking behind my back about me being bias. i didn't bother, cos i know clearly what i was doing, and have a clear conscience. what did bother me was that someone so dear and close to me felt the same way. you felt that i was biased.. am i such a person in your eyes? that hurt me so much. up till now, you had such little faith and trust in me??? all that i've done for you, was it all in vain? the love and care i showered on you, was it all for nothing!? i'm sorry i did a bad job, and caused you to have a bad experience of the camp.. but what you said really pierced my heart. it is so, so, so painful...

why has things turned out like this? i don't understand, Father. i feel so weak and vulnerable. the person i care and love so much doesn't understand me. it breaks my heart so much. maybe i was the one to make her unhappy in the first place. i don't know why this keeps happening. i don't want to make her unhappy and hurt anymore. please, Father, take charge of my relationships with people, especially with those dearest to me. i pray that these relationships are God-honouring and God-glorifying. only You can make it happen, Lord. only You can make these relationships i'm pursuing work out.. so i want to leave everything into Your hands... Please, Lord Father, help me, guide me... please.. i so desperately need Your help and guidance..

not good

hmm.. life is not getting any better now that exams are all over. problems are still unresolved. FYP is still getting nowhere. youth camp is just round the corner. emotionally still unstable. i'm starting to doubt myself as a leader. this is not good. NOT GOOD. emotions are getting into me too much. TOO MUCH. it's getting the better of me. it shouldn't be this way. i want to be able to cope with my emotions. i don't want my emotions to be affecting the people around me, affecting my life so much. i want to be able to still do the things i need to do even when i'm very down. i used to think i was able to do it. i guess i thought too highly of myself. it's a lesson i haven't learnt.

God, help me learn this lesson!! help me to win victory over my emotions!!