very bad...

youth camp is over.. can't say it's good. very thankful to God for blessing us with generally good weather. other than that, i think i screwed up. many things, i did not make sure that they were well planned, with contingency plans, properly organised. i guess i didn't put in enough effort to ensure that everything was well planned out. during the camp, i failed as a commandant too. yeah i was very stressed and tired, but as the commandant, i can't let that show out, cos it'll affect my committee members and the campers. guess what, one of the new friends commented that i look stressed. bad enough that i wasn't livening up the atmosphere, but no, i worsened things by letting my stress show on my face. alright, i was never good at concealing my feelings and emotions, but as the commandant, that was not acceptable!

i guess i just don't have the knack to be a leader yet. i realised from the camp, i'm not so good at making decisions when unexpected situations arise. and recently, my emotions have really got the better of me.. the campfire was my greatest screw up i guess.. i totally lost it. i was completely drowned in my own depression and stress, and completely failed to do anything during the campfire..

after the camp, i heard that people felt that i and the committee were biased towards one group. i did not. i can answer very clearly on that to God. i never intentionally bias towards any group. neither did my committee. things just happened such a way that gave that false impression that we were bias, but it's not!

i know, and heard people talking behind my back about me being bias. i didn't bother, cos i know clearly what i was doing, and have a clear conscience. what did bother me was that someone so dear and close to me felt the same way. you felt that i was biased.. am i such a person in your eyes? that hurt me so much. up till now, you had such little faith and trust in me??? all that i've done for you, was it all in vain? the love and care i showered on you, was it all for nothing!? i'm sorry i did a bad job, and caused you to have a bad experience of the camp.. but what you said really pierced my heart. it is so, so, so painful...

why has things turned out like this? i don't understand, Father. i feel so weak and vulnerable. the person i care and love so much doesn't understand me. it breaks my heart so much. maybe i was the one to make her unhappy in the first place. i don't know why this keeps happening. i don't want to make her unhappy and hurt anymore. please, Father, take charge of my relationships with people, especially with those dearest to me. i pray that these relationships are God-honouring and God-glorifying. only You can make it happen, Lord. only You can make these relationships i'm pursuing work out.. so i want to leave everything into Your hands... Please, Lord Father, help me, guide me... please.. i so desperately need Your help and guidance..