sick..

ughh.. got very very sick yesterday. was pretty much confined to my bed for the whole day. had a fever, a splitting headache, and whole body is aching. felt super terrible. it started on wed night just before i was going to bed. suddenly just felt that my eyes very tired, like going to run a fever, and the headache started to set in. wah, couldn't sleep at all. was tossing and turning in bed for don't know how long, until i finally fell asleep. last night took my temperature, was 39.3. but thank God, this morning wake up, felt better le. at least no more headache, and fever came down to 37.8. body still bit aching though. wa, then yesterday whole day rest in bed, slept throughout the day, at night couldn't really fall asleep. lol. i wonder when was the last time i felt so sick.

thanks to all who showed concern and prayed for me, and my cell! couldn't make it to cell, cos felt really bad. they prayed for me, and this morning i was better! Thank God! and that weicong ah, every now and then ask me ok or not. haha.. now ok ok le la, no need see doc liao la. lol. but really appreciate your concern. hmm.. now.. maybe i should go get some more rest..

i still feel pretty lost

hmm.. today like a bit more free.. finished my work earlier today, so i thought, come here blog a bit. heh. hmm.. these few days have been thinking quite a bit. uhh.. well actually i think a lot everyday. haha.. those who know me well will know. but these few days, thinking bout some particular stuff..

i kinda feel that i'm still quite lost, as in, i don't seem to have any direction in life anymore? i kinda lost it. somehow, i feel that i'm not myself anymore. i feel that i've changed. changed into someone different, someone very unfamiliar, so i say i feel that i'm not myself anymore. i don't really know what i'm doing everyday, other than just work, do the usual stuff. there's no purpose. i'm just living each day as it comes, and i don't like this at all. my world seems to have changed, somehow. it feels as though the real me is trapped in a world in the past, and it has gotten so far away i don't know how to find it back. i think it's quite bad, that i feel pretty dead most of the time, living without a purpose. but then, i don't really feel depressed or what. kinda feel emotionless sometimes. i think i've really lost myself somewhere, but i don't know how to find myself back. haha.. sounds confusing eh. the world that defined me, tumbled down on me? yeah i think that pretty much describes what happened in my life ba. haha.. so now that the world that defined me is gone, the me that i know kinda went along with it. somehow it feels that the people who were once so so so important to me, are gone too. the few, seems to have all gone?

i really don't know why am i doing the things i'm doing everyday. what am i working for? my working life seems very dead. i can't seem to inject any life or motivation in it. i'm just working for the sake of working, to earn a living. sometimes i wonder if it's my own problem, or i just don't like the job i have. would it be better for me to get a 9-5 job, sit in my cubicle in my office, mix around with colleagues and stuff, like a normal office employee?

but in the current world i'm in, though i feel that those i held dearly to have sort of distanced away with my world, i've gained deeper relationships with some brothers and sisters, especially with a brother of mine. he's always been an important brother of mine, but i guess in the past i didn't really spend much time with him. i thank God for this brother. and i guess, in many ways he's like me too. hahahaha.. don't know if it's a good or bad thing. lol. i just hope he doesn't have to go down the painful paths i took, though.. i think.. he probably will. lol. i hope i can be there to guide him though. and in the past few months, he's always been the one sensitive to my emotions, and cared enough to ask if i'm ok and tries to comfort me. thanks bro. studies not going as well as you had hoped is ok, as long as you tried your best. just continue to work hard ya! got another brother also, through the rough patch i went through that i realized cares so much for me too. heh. he just enlisted into army, but i'm confident that he'll get through ns without much problems.

hmm.. i think i really need to spend much more time praying, that i'll find myself back. i need to find my world back. haha.. ok, maybe find is not the word. probably rebuild is more suited. i need to find back my purpose!

back in SG..

yeah i'm back in SG, since Wednesday actually, but lazy to blog. guess i'll blog a little before i go to sleep. hmm.. the trip was.. ok... pretty stressful... but somehow i managed to get through everything, as in the work. Thank God. but the two weeks there wasn't really so good? felt pretty dry spiritually. first week was basically super busy, trying to figure out what to do also. after that was still ok. though still got read the bible everyday, but spent much less time praying, and i just felt so drifted away from God. man it just doesn't feel good at all. and the last few days there, dunno why, suddenly started thinking about some things, and about someone again. was it cos i felt pretty lonely? or what? i dunno too. but the last few days there i felt pretty bad inside. emotionally. i guess, as much as i'm doing everything i can do try to put things down, i still needs lots more time.. haiz.. i wonder how long i have to take man.. am i going to take a couple of years again, like how it always used to be? hope not.. well, i just have to focus on God. no matter how long i take, or how things will turn out, i just wanna believe that God has everything planned out. and yeah i strongly believe in that. whether someone will come along, for me to wait a few years, whatever. no point thinking so much bout it also. haha.. but easier said than done eh.. =X

well back to the trip. ShenZhen don't really have anything nice to see or what. went to a church to get some bibles. well the bibles there are really cheap. heh. think next time i go, i wanna get more bibles. haha.. can give to pple as presents. :)

but since i got back in SG, things have got better, as in emotionally. met up with some good old friends for dinner on wed when i came back, met some of them for lunch on fri, and went for supper with them yesterday. so nice to hang out with them again. must grab the opportunities to hang out with them more. heh. they're still friends that are so dear to me!! and yesterday, led worship for the evening seminar by Pastor Ime. pretty last min, but i felt that it turned out great. felt the presence of the Lord very strongly. haha.. God is great!!!

looking forward to meeting up with my friends again! heh. KTV and dinner next sat!! woohoo!!