i still feel pretty lost

hmm.. today like a bit more free.. finished my work earlier today, so i thought, come here blog a bit. heh. hmm.. these few days have been thinking quite a bit. uhh.. well actually i think a lot everyday. haha.. those who know me well will know. but these few days, thinking bout some particular stuff..

i kinda feel that i'm still quite lost, as in, i don't seem to have any direction in life anymore? i kinda lost it. somehow, i feel that i'm not myself anymore. i feel that i've changed. changed into someone different, someone very unfamiliar, so i say i feel that i'm not myself anymore. i don't really know what i'm doing everyday, other than just work, do the usual stuff. there's no purpose. i'm just living each day as it comes, and i don't like this at all. my world seems to have changed, somehow. it feels as though the real me is trapped in a world in the past, and it has gotten so far away i don't know how to find it back. i think it's quite bad, that i feel pretty dead most of the time, living without a purpose. but then, i don't really feel depressed or what. kinda feel emotionless sometimes. i think i've really lost myself somewhere, but i don't know how to find myself back. haha.. sounds confusing eh. the world that defined me, tumbled down on me? yeah i think that pretty much describes what happened in my life ba. haha.. so now that the world that defined me is gone, the me that i know kinda went along with it. somehow it feels that the people who were once so so so important to me, are gone too. the few, seems to have all gone?

i really don't know why am i doing the things i'm doing everyday. what am i working for? my working life seems very dead. i can't seem to inject any life or motivation in it. i'm just working for the sake of working, to earn a living. sometimes i wonder if it's my own problem, or i just don't like the job i have. would it be better for me to get a 9-5 job, sit in my cubicle in my office, mix around with colleagues and stuff, like a normal office employee?

but in the current world i'm in, though i feel that those i held dearly to have sort of distanced away with my world, i've gained deeper relationships with some brothers and sisters, especially with a brother of mine. he's always been an important brother of mine, but i guess in the past i didn't really spend much time with him. i thank God for this brother. and i guess, in many ways he's like me too. hahahaha.. don't know if it's a good or bad thing. lol. i just hope he doesn't have to go down the painful paths i took, though.. i think.. he probably will. lol. i hope i can be there to guide him though. and in the past few months, he's always been the one sensitive to my emotions, and cared enough to ask if i'm ok and tries to comfort me. thanks bro. studies not going as well as you had hoped is ok, as long as you tried your best. just continue to work hard ya! got another brother also, through the rough patch i went through that i realized cares so much for me too. heh. he just enlisted into army, but i'm confident that he'll get through ns without much problems.

hmm.. i think i really need to spend much more time praying, that i'll find myself back. i need to find my world back. haha.. ok, maybe find is not the word. probably rebuild is more suited. i need to find back my purpose!