just.. blogging..

well, just felt like blogging, so here i am. hmm.. the past week.. alright la. was busy studying for my CISA exam the last Sat. the questions are really tricky, so i really don't know how i'll fare. but i'm leaving the results to God. i did my best, at least i think i did give it my best shot already. and thank God i was able to study the few days before the exam. haha..

hmm.. my birthday is nearing. well, nobody seems to care much. oh well, i don't really think much bout it also. there doesn't seem to be anything worth celebrating this year? lol. starting my cell chalet this fri, which happens to be my birthday also. i wonder if they're planning a surprise for me. actually, i'd rather not have any surprise. just leave it as it is, like any normal day. my birthday, doesn't hold much meaning to me anymore, at least for now. no need for any presents. prayers and blessings in the name of the Lord will be the best present. i just wish to go back to God, renew my relationship with Him. :)

ah, i'd like to mention last sat's cell. we did a sharing on our character, as well as our perspective of others' character. Joi, who joined us for the first time, gave a good analysis of each of us. haha.. she's good at looking at people. lol. she said i'm someone who understands myself, cos i think a lot. well yeah i do think a lot. haha.. much more than i should on some issues. lol. yeah, i thought, actually i don't really understand myself. cos the more i think, the more i try to dig inside myself, the more i realise that needs to be discovered. and the past month, i really dug inside myself, and i begin to understand myself better. i'm starting to see why i'm the way i am now. and i start to see that, things that happen during childhood, it brings such a great effect on us, up to the day we die. i saw how my childhood could have caused me to be the way i am now, affecting me in almost every way.. the way i handle relationships, handle friendships, the way i serve.. and these effects affect me subconsciously. i didn't even know why i am like that in the past. i don't know what exactly happened in my childhood. i can't remember the first few years of my life. i wonder if it's because it's so bad, my mind automatically put it aside, hid the memories in a corner to protect myself. this is some psychological theory i heard about last time. maybe it's time to dig up the past. hmm.. but i wonder if i'm prepared to face my past? to face myself? i don't wish for the hurts in my childhood, the lack of love in my childhood, to restrict me to enjoy the freedom God intended for me, to stop me from becoming the man God wants me to become. i want the freedom in Jesus. but i know, i have to face my fears, face the problems i have, and hand them over to Jesus, to be able to break free from all the bondages...

God, may You grant me the strength to face myself, to face my problems, to face my fears, and to truly hand them over to You. I want to experience the freedom in You. Help me to understand myself better, and to understand Your plan for me. Hold me close to You. I never want to stray from Your ways. Lord, give me courage. Give me courage to deal with whatever is in me. I don't want to run away from it. Running away doesn't solve the problem at all. I want to face it, and overcome it, with You by my side! I want to break free from all the bondages in my life! I proclaim in Jesus' name that I will lead a life of freedom, of abundance, in my Lord Jesus Christ! Hallelujah!! In Jesus' name I pray. Amen!!