what's happening to me...?

ahh.. i duno what's happening to me. my temper seems to be getting a little intolerant these few weeks. sometimes during cell, and especially some of the younger ones, i really duno how to handle them. it can be pretty unnerving. the don't care attitude, the un-seriousness, it really gets on my nerves sometimes. it's been a few times that i felt like blowing up and giving them a good scolding, but i always managed to hold it back and recollect my emotions. but today i sort of blew up, a little. i realise i can't stand it when people start to push things away, try to get away from this and that, without any good reason, and without even wanting to give things a try. people just want to stay in their comfort zones. i understand it's only natural we feel that way, but i just can't stand it when people just WANT to stay in their comfort zone and NOT WANT to even try to get out of it, not even to think about leaving their comfort zone.

maybe the younger ones are just.. too young? maybe they haven't matured enough, so that's why they are like that? but i just cannot stand it. i can't help feeling angry at them for having such a nonchalant attitude, such a leave-me-alone-i-don't-want-to-do-anything attitude, such a don't-want-to-put-in-effort attitude. maybe i'm too occupied with my own set of thinking which i think is right, and i start to put my way of thinking on them, but when it fails, i get pretty upset. perhaps i'm not patient enough. maybe i'm not tolerant enough. or maybe, i've been too nice, that's why they have this kind of attitude, climbing all over my head. maybe i should be a little more strict. but today, i was wrong. i let my emotions go over me, even for a few seconds.

a few weeks ago i had a dream. in the dream, i totally flared up. totally blew my top. i caused a boy to cry. everyone was so shocked at what i did. even i myself, after realising what i did, was unable to comprehend how i came to do such a thing. and then i was scared into waking up from my dream, which felt so real. i cried very bitterly in my dream, and when i woke up, it felt as if it was real, so real. i was so afraid it will happen. i prayed for God to help me, not to ever let my emotions rule over my head and do something i will regret. today i felt a little of that, of my emotions getting over me, though only for a few seconds. anger is such a scary emotion.

God, I pray that You'll help me, help me to be able to control my emotions, and not let it overcome me. Please take lordship of my feelings, and cast away all the negative emotions. Anger, jealousy, fear, insecure, loneliness, hatred, sadness, take them all away. Fill me with Your joy, Your peace, Your loving kindness. Holy Spirit, empower me, stand by me and watch over me. Let not me do anything that will dishonour Your name. In Jesus' victorious and glorious name I pray. Amen!