a weekend full of anoiting... and realizing my fear...

the weekend was good. pastor sarah wu came again, and taught us 琴与炉 on saturday followed by 医治与释放 on sunday. both were very good! she's really a very anoited pastor, and the work of the Holy Spirit is simply amazing.

the week before pastor sarah came, we did 七个医治释放 with pastor zhang. i think that time i didn't really do a thorough cleansing especially in areas of relationships. Praise the Lord, on sunday pastor sarah taught us on reconciling relationships. we were split into groups of 4, of which is led by a leader, who's more experienced and mature. and my group is led by a very nice and good 传道. she led me in going through the things which i might not have surrendered completely to God, and led me in prayer all those too. it was then that i felt that there is one area which i have difficulty in submission to Him. though i have known all along that that was one of my areas of weakness, i never really asked why was i so weak, and what was the root of the problem. it was relationships - BGR relationships.

BGR relationships is something i fear going into. i never realized the fear was so great. and why have i become so fearful is that i was hurt real bad before. i've put in too much of my feelings, and fell too hard. it took me so long to get over it. the pain was too great. i never want to go through the pain again, and maybe that's why i became so fearful of falling in love again. it's like i've climbed too high and fell too hard, that i've become afraid to climb anymore. i didn't really understand why i was feeling what i was feeling, but now i know it was because i fear. the fear is so great... so.. so.. great...

it's pretty ironic. these couple of months i'm learning to love the people around me, learning to love the way Jesus loves His disciples. and i could really feel the change in me. i could feel that God was putting the seeds of love in me. i'm learning to care about the people around me. now when i hear that my brothers and sisters have problems, i want to help in any way i can. perhaps i'm not a very good counselor, but i can at least provide a listening ear, at least i can pray for them. i'm starting to understand how Jesus could do so much. it was love. i want to love everyone just like how Jesus loves them too.

John 15:13 - "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

i'm learning to lay down my life for my friends. but i was thinking it's just so ironic, that i can love the people around me, but yet i dare not love the one that i really love. now i really don't know what to do anymore. i'm confused.

Lord, will You speak to me? Will You tell me what to do? Tell me what should I do, Lord. I need You. I need You to guide me. I need You to take away the fear that I have. I need You to heal me of all the hurt I have in my life. I want to live my life for You. I pray that You take away everything that is keeping me away from You. I want to submit everything into Your hands, including all my relationships, my everything. Fighting my fears is so tiring. Grant me strength, Lord, to overcome my weaknesses. I want to honour You. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.