i think i'm lost...?

i think i'm in deeper dung than i thought i am. i think i'm in a crisis. just now during accounting tutorial, i, as usual, did not do the tutorial, and just had no idea what they were discussing. i started to think what am i doing there again. y am i wasting time away like that? if what i'm studying now is really not what i want, maybe i should quit school and just go ahead and do what i think i should be doing?

irwin once told me that the photo editor for CAC before me had quit school to pursue his interest in photography, to become a professional photographer. it occurred to me that he knew clearly what he wanted, and he went ahead to pursue his dreams. do i really know what i want? if i'm really sure of what i want, can i quit school?

i'm really so unmotivated to study now. y has it become like this? i thought i've decided to buck up even before the semester started. i've quit gaming, i've quit DotA, i've committed myself to go for lectures, go for tutorials, but i'm still so lost in my studies. as i prayed when i was walking back to hall from class, i was thinking that i should be glorifying God and honouring Him by being a good testimony in NTU. but what i'm doing now is not accomplishing that at all. perhaps i should use this as a motivation to study? nope it doesn't work. then it suddenly dawned on me that maybe i don't need the motivation. i just need to go and do it, go and study and glorify God. doing not what i want, but what it takes to glorify His Name. many times there are things that we don't want to do, things that we feel so unmotivated to do, like evangelising, but regardless whether we feel motivated or not, it's ultimately our actions that matters. regardless i feel motivated or not, i just have to do it, do it for Jesus. i just pray for the discipline to do it.

being a Christian is really not easy. when you want to truly follow Him, it seems that problems start to surface, you start struggling with so many things. your deepest fears come back to haunt you. maybe it's God wanting to test me. maybe it's the devil trying to attack me at my most vulnerable weaknesses. i just need to get over all of these. i know at the end of all these, i'll be drawn closer to God, deeper in love with Him.

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

-- 1 Corinthians 10:13